Infidelity in Life & Society

I recently received an impassioned note from one of my readers (of my book, First Aid for the Betrayed) who was in the early agony of emotional distress from discovery of her husband’s affair. Like all of us she asked;

“How can a man(or woman)do this to someone they love? How to you do something like this and return home to face your wife and kids like nothing happened in your day? How do you live with that guilt? ”

You really do have to wonder how anyone with a soul or an ounce of care can be so callous. You also have to wonder (as she did in her note) how the marriage vows can seem to mean nothing to the married person who commits adultery.

It is almost incomprehensible to us but to some of them, caught up in the heat and exctement of lust it never crosses their mind. Most also think it won’t be an issue because they believe they will never get caught, they actually believe we’ll never find out so it is a case of “what they don’t know..etc.”. Of course they almost always do get caught.
There is a mental process they all seem to go through that helps them minimize guilt or avoid it entirely. The first part of that process is convincing themselves that they have been wronged by you and that because of that, they are justified. As I say in my book, they go to great lengths to rationalize their actions to eliminate any wrongdoing on their part. They convince themselves that; “You did not listen to me,” “You were too fat,” “you were uncaring,” “you did not give enough sex” and hundreds of other delusional excuses that we’ve all heard.

The most painful of these lies they tell themselves is when they say to us “I never really loved you” or “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” Come on people. These staements are simply laughable. You stood before God, family and friends and proclaimed your undying love. When courting and in the early years, you showed us all kinds of love. Now you tell me, which is the lie, then or now? The answer is now.

All of this is to convince themselves that they were entirely justified and that it was YOUR fault they did it, you made them do it! It is an unbelievable thought process but virtually every adulterer goes through that very same process.

Underneath all the denial and projection of guilt, I think that after a period, when the lust wears off they do carry a lot of guilt (unless they are simply mean and heartless) and Ultimately pay a personal price. Unfortunately there are few who make adultery a hobby and have no remorse. It reminds me of a serial killer who is driven to kill for their own gratification and continues with no remorse.

In fact, adulterers are a bit like criminals. They do it for various reasons and once caught, just like criminals they either become remorseful and change or just fall into a life of recidivism.

Why do they do it?  It is very complex and one of the most disturbing aspects of the consequences of an affair. It is a question those of us who’ve been betrayed always ask and few of us can ever fully comprehend. Worse yet, sometimes the adulterer themselves cannot answer the question as to why it happened. Some say ”it just did” and unfortunately, sometimes that is what happened and they themselves do not really understand their own actions.
 

Once upon a time there was a new country, the United States of America. It was born of revolution and based on radical principles such as the leaders doing the bidding and will of the people. Up till then, government controlled and dictated and though some came close to listening to the people, none other had true representation of the people.

Over the centuries, the country set a standard of service to its people that beccame the envy of the world. Then, society started to change. Though greed and betrayal by individual representatives of the people occurred as a regular manifestation of the wicked human spirit, greed and ingorance became more and more prevalent over time. The mission of each party became to destroy the opposition through character assassination and continuous lies. So much so that the business of government became a business of spiteful pursuit of the destruction of others as opposed to doing what is right for the people.

The desire to serve the people became a desire to serve one’s self. The desire to serve the people became an obsession to serve the party. Ideology overtook sensibilities and the government representatives stopped paying attention to serving the people. That is where we seem to be today.

Look at the idiocy of congress today. Every vote is based on party lines. They pay no attention any more to the merits of ideas. The entire focus is on winning, no matter what. The shenanigans of today’s game playing in congress is destroying the very basis of our democracy and creating gridlock based on party loyalties rather than consideration of what is right.

The politicians are locked in a death grip of obsession that will kill us all. Bills are porked to death and judged by these “representatives” based on criteria that is far from concern for the good of the country or constituants. Bills are written and rewritten to suit ideologies. Members of Congress  are courted and quid pro quo is the rule of the game. Purposes of bills are ignored for focus on favored alternatives and consequences of actions are an unknown concept. The criteria are, not necessarily in order, personal gain, pork (waste of taxpayer money) and ideology. That is all that matters to them.

The politicians have become ideology whores and we are paying for it, dearly. This is a betrayal that will destroy us. Just as an affair ruins relationships, the politicians focus on ideology rather than the good of the country will (is, has) destroy the relationship and trust of the constituants, at least those of us who’ve not been seduced by the same blind ideological quest.

Some of us can still think for ourselves. Some of us don’t allow the politicians to sway us based on their spin. Some of us actually research the truth and ignore the calls of the political sirens. Others, will only listen to the call of ideology and like lemmings or the Argonauts, will eventually end up throwing themselves off a cliff or on the rocks to the delight of the politicians.

Why won’t Americans think for themselves any longer? Why don’t we toss these selfish ideologues to the curb like an adulterous spouse? Why do we allow ourselves to be manipulated? Why do we not demand better from them? Well, we’ve betrayed ourselves as well and that is the subject for another rant.

In the meanwhile, I’m disgusted and sick of self serving political morons whose sole mission is to advance the party they belong to rather than to advance the nation. One party will blame this all on the president but for some reason, congress does not realize that they are the ones who have the power to govern. If they do not like the president’s leadership, fine. Shut up and take the initiative to do what is right rather than carping about how someone else did not. And that’s a laugh too for we are back to square one. Our politicians never do what is right for anyone but themselves and their party.

Betrayal comes in so many forms.

Something has happened to our news outlets and journalists. They seem to have sold out to ideology. Where once you could (usually) depend on news reporters to report in a rather neutral and factual way, today they all seem to turn their reporting into opinion pieces. They’ve committed intellectual adultery.

You can hardly read a bit of news in the newspaper without seeing ideological bent by the writer. It can be either obvious or subtle but most pervasive and dangerous is the subtle use of words to influence the reader. Use of perjorative adjectives, verbs and phrases can be seen by the keen minded reader and rejected. However, it seems that many if not most readers seem to read, accept and then parrot the outright distortions of the press. 

It all begins in our learning institutions. Over the last few decades, colleges and universities have become populated by ideology oriented professors who blatantly teach their ideology and mold their curricula around their personal beliefs. The most outrageous example is Ward Churchill of Colorado, a tenured professor who teaches hate of America and Jews. His lectures and speeches are rife with lies mixed with his own warped beliefs and this is what he teaches his students. Winning the minds of children is the way to change a country from within. The secular progressives are doing this while traditionalists sit idly by and let the future slip into socialism and communism.

Journalists have somehow decided that their mission in life is to mutate the facts to suit their own beliefs. Or, they ignore other facts that disagree with their mission to influence us. One of the most prominent example is the case of CBS news all too gleefully ignoring the forgeries related to the President’s service record and taking an obviously unproven and false case to the air because that was what they wanted to report, not the truth.

The media have become adulterous ideology whores and we all suffer. It amazes me how gullible the public is. I suppose that TV and other entertainment media have rendered the populace brain dead and unable to think for themselves. Just as in relationship infidelity, we often fail to heed the signals and our partner carries on an affair. Now we face the infidelity of the media and we need to start being more critical of what we read and hear. It’s time to take back control of our own minds and stop accepting the lies the media pass on to us. Open your eyes and stop the media love affair with ideology!

 

This is Richard Alan’s ”First Aid For Affairs” blog. I think of infidelity in broad terms. Though my main focus is on adultery and betrayal in relationships and marriages, infidelity in a broader sense includes the betrayal of our trust by anyone. For example, our elected officials have in the past and still do allow their personal needs to overshadow their responsibility to us and often sell us out for greater personal power or gain. Their infidelity to the electorate is most likely the most prolific and deeply seated in all of mankind’s affairs.

This betrayal of trust is “infidelity” in the purest sense. Mirriam Webster offers this definition of infidelity before that of infidelity in a marriage; “unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : DISLOYALTY” It is the moral unfaithfulness that our government, elected officials and often our friends serve unto us that is so destructive of the fabric of trust in our society.

Friends betray us through lies, deceit, cheating us or cloaking of behavior that is destructive to us. For example, what of a friend who shares our private conversation with someone else? Or, what is it when a friend shares a criticism you’ve made of your boss with the boss? Of course that too is infidelity.

The most painful infidelity is when a spouse or committed partner takes a lover behind our back. That is of course, the main matter at hand for me and my book, “First Aid For the Betrayed and the underlying theme for this blog.

So, if there is anyone out there in the world who happens across this blog, you can expect that as the spirit moves me, you’ll see rants on all aspects of infidelity or sometimes just some philosophical thoughts on life in general. After all, that is the beauty of blogs, one can speak with authority on any subject whether an authority or not.

In my case, I claim authority on the issue of affairs based on my personal experience, interaction with well over 200 betrayed spouses and my book. I claim authority on governmental infidelity after over 60 years of being betrayed by countless politicians both big and small and I claim authority on life just because I’m still alive and have weathered six decades of the bad and good that life has to offer.

Richard Alan
December 10, 2006