Infidelity in Life & Society

The holiday season is one most of us look forward to as family time, good times and happiness. Unfortunately, the intrusion of infidelity into a family changes all that and for some, makes the holidays a time of sadness and loneliness. For some of us, it is the first Christmas in a world turned upside down by a partner who betrayed us and seemed to care more about themselves than us or our families. For others it is an ongoing struggle and a reminder of the pain and loss. Gee, look at what just happened with Tiger Woods, do you think his wife is feeling that “holly jolly” feeling right now? And how will that change future holidays when the “D” day rolls around each year and reminds the spouse of the terrible discovery?

Much of the holiday season revolves around faith but what of the faith and trust we had in those we love(d)? They betrayed that faith and trust and left us with an emptiness; a hole in our heart that seems as though it can never be filled.

It is difficult to face these holidays alone or with such a burden that is so heavy you feel as though you can never lift it or get out from under the load? It’s funny how one of the most joyous times of the year can be so painful. For one thing, the holidays bombard us with images of lively and healthy families, all reconciled, all reunited. (Ho Ho Ho). That just inflames our feelings of hurt and desertion.

The holidays (any one of them) also are the most common time for people to discover a partner’s affair. During “special” times, the adulterer tries to balance family against lover and as a result they often show their hand. Unexplained expenses or missing money ( for the special gifts to the lover), longer than normal absences or “working late” beyond the norm and other behavior that signals something is going on often tips the betrayed spouse and causes the, to look deeper into what is going on. As usual, they often discover the terrible truth. In my experience, the majority of discoveries happen during the holiday season. My book sales always spike around certain holidays and the November - December period is one of the most significant.

My heart goes out to those who discover an infidelity this season and I wish you a swift and painless recovery. I also have some suggestions I have shared with others at this time of year to help deal with the seasonal pain. This list is also included in my book.

• Focus on the joy of the season,and for those for whom it is an important religious time let as
much of your focus center on the true meaning.
• Work hard to not let those who have hurt us take away that which once brought us joy. They
destroyed our marriage but did not destroy the meaning of the holidays.
• Find new meanings for the season, make new memories with those who you still trust and you
know you can depend on. Remember your children, your parents, your siblings, cousins and
closest friends, they did not deceive you and many of them are still there for you.
• When you look at a symbol of the holidays, let it take you over, not in sorrow but in its true
meaning.
• When you hear a Christmas carol, sing along and remember your childhood and singing those
carols in school, you may be the last generation who will have those warm memories.
• Think of the smells of the season, what wonderful nostalgia they bring. The smell of fresh cut
balsam, of mom’s pumpkin pie cooking, of cinnamon, holly and spiced cider. Those joys are with
you still and always will be.
• Think of others, remember that you are not alone and there are people who understand and
care about you and want you to find peace and freedom from the hurt.
• Eat yourself silly, stuff your face till it hurts then laugh and giggle over it.
• If you are with kids, make the season about them; lavish them with love, presents and fun.
• Kiss a baby, blow on their belly.
• Walk around your neighborhood (or any one with lots of lights) and enjoy the beauty of it all.
• Call someone you care about but have not seen for years, tell them how much you miss them
and wish them a happy holiday.
• Dress up and go to a party, any party!

May everyone have a season of peace and love.

While talking recently with an associate who has also experienced a spouse’s betrayal, we got around to the issue of humiliation. We both agreed that humiliation is one of the many negative emotional reactions to a spouse’s infidelity but it may be one of the deepest hurts and longest lasting feelings.
Many of us who have been betrayed are so humiliated by the affair that most of us cannot bring ourselves to tell friends or family about it for fear they will wrongly judge us, and they most often do. I constantly remind people who have been betrayed to remember that what happened is not your fault. The decision to have an affair belongs wholly to the wandering spouse and no manner of rationalization or transference of blame can change that (except in their mind).
However, humiliation is not the same as accepting blame. It is instead the feeling that the person who had the affair looked on us as unworthy, or had a very low opinion of us. Webster says (I know, using a definition is a bit sophomoric, but it is useful) humiliate is “to reduce to a lower position in one’s own eyes or others’ eyes.” And therein lies the problem for us.
People who have never experienced an affair and find that someone’s spouse has had an affair almost universally ask us questions that imply, or even give direct opinions that somehow we failed to “satisfy” our partner’s needs. In their eyes, we come across as something less than an adequate spouse. Of course in the partner’s eyes we were definitely inadequate. This all leads to incredibly intense feelings of humiliation and so we often try to hide what happened lest we be so negatively judged.
Of course, when everyone else seems to hold the opinion that we are inadequate it becomes very difficult to not harbor the same feelings about ourselves. We have to work very hard to overcome these feelings and it is only when we stand back and look at ourselves or the situation from a distance that we can clearly see that what happened is not because we were inadequate but that the person who had the affair was. We can also see that those who judge us without having walked in our shoes are doing so from a state of ignorance. These people do not define us, their opinions define themselves and their own set of beliefs, right or wrong. We can categorically say that they are dead wrong!
Despite that, the humiliation lingers and stays with us for a long time. After five years, I am still unable to tell anyone in my family what happened. The depth of humiliation and shame is hard to express but those of you who have been there understand what I am talking about and I hope those who have not experienced it never will.

I often hear from folks who have read my book or participate in forums I am involved in about how an adulterous spouse gets impatient with our recovery process and wants us to “move on.” In fact, one recent correspondent said:

“he angrily told me that I “should have moved on by now, after all it has been almost 4 months!”

What he said to this woman is almost universal. They all tell us to “move on” and “get over it.” There are many reasons for this but I believe the main reason is because THEY don’t want to (or have the courage to) face up to what they did nor deal with helping us recover. For them it’s easy to “get over” and the longer we take to recover, the more they have to see the ugly side of their own behavior. His attitude is unfortunately like most of the adulterers. “Hey, I had my fun so I can move on so should you, after all, it was ONLY an affair.” The anger and belligerence is also a predictable and common behavior. As wags across the ages have said (and all politicians say) “the best defense is a good offense” so attacking and being defensively belligerent is also nearly universal in the case of confrontations of adultery. Unfortunately for them, they have created a situation where recovery can take years and the sooner they realize that and help their betrayed partner heal, the faster things will move along. Telling someone to “just get over it” is naive and downright dumb.

Another predictable behavior is denial of love for the betrayed spouse. That either comes out as “I don’t love you any more” or if that does not work, the most painful statement, “I never really loved you.” This business of “not loving” is also a universal thing. After all, how else can they justify what they did. By denying the love they have and had for you (for years) they can purge themselves of any guilt. They know what they did was wrong. Surveys have shown that 80 to 90% of us believe adultery is wrong. If someone commits the act, then they have to work hard to justify and rationalize their behavior. They start with lying to themselves about how they really felt. Somehow, believing that you did not love the person you betrayed makes it acceptable in their mind. By denying love they can justify screwing around. It is frankly, just baloney and they know it, you know it and maybe you should remind them that you are aware of it. Then she or he will probably fall back on the, “I never really loved you” and that is an even deeper pile of bull stuff.

How they behave is laughably predictable. Though those who are betrayed are not in any position to laugh early on, once you heal, you see just how stupid, vain and self deceptive they have been and you’ll see that he or she is just another, ho-hum, like all of them. It actually amuses me at how predictable and transparent they can be and how during all this they believe they are being so original and clever in their approach. Funnier yet is how they can delude themselves into believing that we are not smart enough to see right through them.

Now, that said, many if not most adulterers do eventually come to their senses and try very hard to make things better. Several of us have had the good fortune of seeing a wandering spouse admit to their mistakes and try very hard to make up for it. We’ve seen many such successes, my wife being one of them. She was just like the rest at first. She treated me very badly and with a lot of mean spirit. However, through counseling and time, she finally realized what she had done and it hit her almost as hard as her affair hit me. I am very proud of her for being strong enough to see her mistakes and work so hard to make up for them.

If you have been betrayed take heart, you will get better and he or she MIGHT drop the charade. It may be hard to do, but give them a little time and space and just go your own way and do the best you can to cope. If they do not come to their senses, count your blessings that you know the truth about them and get them out of your life. I will tell you that after four months of agony I would not have believed that my wife would change but she did, and many others have as well. It takes time for both parties to recover from the experience. So don’t give up hope but don’t let them and the situation rule you. It’s time to start taking care of yourself and if they won’t help, you don’t need them.

Some of you may have recently seen some television commercials that featured people embroiled in affairs and promoting a website that suggests you should have an affair. Those ads are sponsored by a company whom I will not legitimize by even mentioning their name that runs a website devoted to hooking up married people who want to have an affair. The disingenuous website owner washes his hands of any wrongdoing by simply saying everyone who uses his service has already made up their mind to have an affair so he is only providing a safe avenue for such activity. Bull hockey!

The website and the owner are simply pimps in a different costume and by another name. Using that logic, one could say prostitutes are innocently providing a service to men who have already made up their mind to have sex with a stranger so they are not doing a thing wrong. The fact is, regardless of how innocent and helpful such people profess to be, they are enabling behavior that is unacceptable to most of us and taking actions that are unethical at best. Such mentality is a clear indication that greed and avarice continue to drive people and trump ethics and traditional morality. We’ve seen plenty of that lately related to business owners so I guess none of us should be surprised. I am not surprised but I sure can condemn such activities and express my personal outrage at such selfish and careless activities.

If this outfit really wanted to be helpful, maybe discouraging affairs would be a better way, but I’m sure that is not as lucrative. Nor is it as titillating and exciting. They are simple opportunists who have no visible moral fiber or ethical compass. It may help their conscience to claim no responsibility and blame others but most of us see through the ruse and find the idea despicable. This is especially true for those of us who have experienced the real pain and anguish of betrayal by someone we love. The company now holds themselves out to be experts on affairs and I suppose they may be in some rather twisted way. However, what they and those who participate may not know or want to admit is that almost every single affair is discovered and has terrible consequences. Those who have affairs like to think they can outsmart everyone but in the end, they only outsmart themselves. From my experience, 99% of all affairs are eventually discovered so it turns out they are not really all that smart after all.

In enabling affairs, the site is contributing to the break up of families, immeasurable pain and heart ache and financial consequences few consider when deciding to have an affair. But of course, that is of absolutely no concern to them. What is important is money and appearing on TV to promote their enterprise. Regardless of their belief they are not doing anything “bad” the fact is, by making such a service available, many people who otherwise might not ever have an affair will find it far too easy to do so through their service and as a result, will have an affair that they would not have if it were not for these self described helpful people.

Perhaps helping people find ways to heal a damaged marriage or find ways to live up to their marriage vows and improve their marriage would be a more honorable pursuit but again, honor is not the issue with such people. I hope that most of you agree that such behavior is completely despicable and about as low life as someone can get. But, that seems to be the American way these days and the more we tolerate and contribute to it, the more we will see it as a way of life.

Ethics? Not on your life. Morality? No such thing. Making money at the expense of others? That seems to be the “in” thing for some people now. Aiding and abetting bad behavior is bad behavior in and of itself and if the owners want to continue, I’d like to see them at least take more responsibility and stop deluding themselves of their own innocence. That is exactly how those who have affairs justify themselves; by blaming others and claiming it is someone else’s fault. Hmm, that makes me wonder if the owners have some personal experience that has trained them for this enterprise?

I have to confess, right now I’m pretty irritated with Oprah, The Good Morning Show with Mike & Juliet and just about every other talk format show that features infidelity as a topic. Of course, the worst of them all are Springer and Maury but they are so far over the top when it comes to exploitation, they rise, or lower, to unprecedented levels.

More recently there have been a spate of appearances on some of the more legitimate (I use that term only to separate them from the worst) talk shows that have featured an author who claims to know the “truth” as to why MEN cheat. Presumably, this expert is also soon going to tell us why women cheat. My problem with the discussions I saw related to the subject is that they legitimize a number of issues where the premise as to why people cheat is dead wrong.

In the case in question, the author asked a number of men why they cheated and their answers rolled up to basically that the wife was at fault because she did not take care of their needs. That is just pure bull puckey. Here is where the guy went wrong. He believed them. What I know, and many true experts know is that people who commit adultery will go to great lengths to deny any wrongdoing and almost universally blame the betrayed spouse for “making them do it.” They rationalize what they know is wrong by making themselves feel they were somehow strong armed into committing adultery. It is human nature and the author bought it hook, line and sinker.

Unfortunately, when they do blame us, many times we begin to believe them and that brings up a number of emotional problems that can be very destructive. On one of the shows, a couple appeared who repeated this boner and the man told us the sad story of how his wife did not praise him or take care of him and so he had to go look for someone else to be validated. What a putz! Sadly, his wife beside him hung her head in shame and admitted that she was a bad wife. That is downright shameful. In my book, I have a section devoted to the issue of them blaming and how important it is to realize it is “not your fault.” Unfortunately, blaming the betrayed spouse has always been a common jump to a conclusion with those who really are not well informed. After all, if you had been a good spouse, they never would have roamed. That is so wrong!

So what has all that got to do with these shows? Simple, they exploit the issue of adultery only for ratings, commercial revenues and voyeuristic titillation without regard for the truth or the damage that is done to others. They also revel in the steamy details and don’t really want to delve into what might be considered to be a real intelligent discussion about the issue.

To be fair to Oprah, she often does look at issues in depth and is probably the best of the lot but still, there are elements of exploitation to excite her mostly female audience. She says she’s going to do a show on women as cheaters but I’m not holding my breath for that one. In the case of these recent shows, it stuck me that the purpose was not to shed light on the real issues but to help someone sell a book. I have heard from inside sources that on one recent talk show, those asked to participate were told they could not disagree with the book’s premise and if they intended to disagree, they were not going to be on the show. How’s that for filtering the truth?

I guess it would be nice if Oprah and all these other shows gave my book a push but I sure don’t want to be a part of an adventure in someone else’s bedroom. The issue of infidelity is a very serious one, especially for those of us who have been betrayed and the last thing we need is a continuation of exploitation and misinformation.

For now, my advice to anyone watching a TV talk show that features the issue of infidelity, keep in mind that their objective is not to be journalistically pure but to entertain, get good ratings and make money. The truth is often not even a consideration.

With the recent case of the governor of New York’s infidelity, many have asked “why does she stay?” That question has been all over the news and TV talk shows for a week. One letter to the editior of a major newspaper even stated they felt that in the case of the Clintons, should Hillary have an affair Bill would surely leave her.

It’s not so simple and it is not a man’s world when it comes to affairs. Women have now reached parity with men in their rate of infidelity. Unfortunately, many people who have never experienced a spouse’s infidelity have plenty of advice for those of us who have. Sadly, most of that advice is bad and founded in misconceptions and ignorance of the facts. We all think our marriage is special when we marry, we know our love is so strong we don’t need to worry. The problem is, such assumtions are dangerously wrong.

By various estimates, around 50% of partners in marriage (men and women) will commit adultery sometime during the marriage. We also often vow that should it happen to us we will kick our partner to the curb and be done with them. In actuality up to 70% of couples in marriages involving infidelity stay married after the affair. In working with well over 100 individuals, men and women, whose spouses have betrayed them and from my own experience, I’ve found that there are many reasons people stay.

Sometimes we happen to love our spouse so much we can find the grace to forgive them and rebuild. Sometimes there are dependency issues and the fear of being separated or alone is more frightening than staying. Sometimes we have children we want to continue to be in a family environment. Sometimes we can’t afford to separate. And in the case ofthe Clintons and the like, sometimes it is more politically expedient to stay together. I assure you, staying is rarely if ever a case of control by the offender or a man imposing his will on a betrayed wife.

In the first weeks and month after discovery, we are often in an emotional fog that keeps us from making rational decisions. Those who make instant decisions about divorce or separation during this period often make the wrong decision. Only those who have been through the trauma of a spouse’s affair can really understand why we stay and those who have not wonder why. I hope no-one who criticizes us for staying will never have to learn the truth of why we stay, it is a horribly painful emotional experience. Have mercy on Mrs. Spitzer and do not criticize her decision to stay or leave based on your own opinions. Though some who have never “been there” are quick to point the finger and make assumptions, the rest of us understand.

This is the first of what may be several posts in response to some of the questions that come up in the search phrases of people who visit my “firstaidforaffairs.com” site. Among those search phrases are a number of interesting issues such as “Why do people tell lies?, (how do) men justify adultery, the long term effects of adultery, should you make your infidelity public? and a few others. I’ve also noted a lot of “why do men” sorts of questions and do want to gently advise the ladies that adultery is not an exclusive male activity. Women have reached parity with men in the frequency of affairs and I’ve found that both sexes use the same justifications for their actions.

The question of an adulterer justifying their actions appears in several forms on the list of search phrases that lead people to my site so I want to address that first. I did address this issue in my posting of August 19 last year, “Why Do They Do It? Lies they tell themselves. so some of this may be repetitive but I think it is such a burning question, addressing it again may be worthwhile.

Justification is the key operative word. Compare that to “explain.” The act of justifying one’s actions in the context of adultery is perhaps best defined in the more archaic manner; “to judge, regard, or treat as righteous and worthy of salvation.” While justification is a word that can have legal and righteous meaning, in this case it becomes an act of self righteousness designned to obscure and overshadow any possible wrong that the justifier has done. It is a way to salvation, to aquit themselves of wrongdoing. Often times, a justification obscures rather than reveals. By comparison, the word explain has this meaning; “to make plain or understandable.”

In almost every case, the justifications given by an adulterer are not plain and definitely not understandable by those of us on the listening end. So what are they trying to prove? It is a truth that over 80% of the people who are asked if adultery is wrong reply in the positive. The odds are that almost everyone who commits adultery knows what they are doing is very wrong. Admitting you are wrong or that you lied and hurt someone deeply is a hard thing to do, unless you have a good reason, or so they think.

As a consequence, they go to great lengths to find plenty of reasons to “justify” their actions so that you know it is not their fault but yours. As listed in that other posting, the justifications go from plausible to rediculous and the more you reject their justification, the more reasons they will throw in your face. You were, too fat, too skinny, not attentive, too attentive (smothered them), you were not interested in sex, you wanted too much sex, you were mean, you were weak..get the idea? You’ve probably heard them all and more. They will come up with anything to avoid simply admitting that what they did was wrong. Of course all of society these days seems to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It is always someone else’s fault, usually George Bush’s.

Make no mistake, adultery is wrong. Those of us who have been immersed in the issue of adultery and dealt with hundreds of betrayed souls have concluded that there is NO action by a betrayed spouse that will ever justify adultery. People who commit adultery know it is wrong and more importantly, let’s say all those things they accuse you of doing that “made them do it” are true. Does that justify it? Of course not. They simply have too many other options compared to lying, cheating and destruction of people’s lives.

They could tell you they are unhappy, they could divorce you, they could try to work things out, get counseling, maybe (gasp) live up to their marriage vows. But, here is the simple truth. The euphoria of an illicit relationship and the usual sexual high gained from it completely clouds their mind and they will do anything other than the right thing.

 Don’t ever, ever allow an adulterous person to convince you it was your fault or accept their pathetic attempts to avoid responsibility. Just ask yourself, what could the person you love do to you to “make” or give you good reason to have an affair? For most of us, the answer is clearly, “nothing.”

Can adultery be justified? Only in their mind.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That is one of the great laws of physics. It is also a truism when it comes to things you say and do in life. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about consequences and have come to realize that the valuable art of adverse consequence thinking is a talent virtually no one has a clue about.

Of course in the context of affairs, those who have affairs never stop to think about the consequences, reactions if you will, of their actions. They get so focused on their goal of romance, sex or whatever that the mind stops processing facts and begins to make up new laws of physics. The laws of motion according to them is that for every action, as long as no one knows about it, there will be no equal or opposite reaction. In theory and occasional practice, that could be true, as long as no one knows.

The problem for them is that though they think they are smarter than everyone else in the world, they almost always get caught. Those of us who have been betrayed know that. They leave clues, their brain gets so addled that they do stupid things and at some point, their law of motion breaks down and the real physics takes over. Wham! And the reaction is as intense as their rutting and betrayal, maybe even more so. And consequences; they go far beyond what they ever could have expected. Loss of family, loss of respect, financial damage beyond measure, broken hearts, children whose lives are painfully disrupted, a legacy that sometimes carries on to the next generation through their own children.

Why? Because they never look at the opposite reations, the adverse consequences and think nothing will ever happen. They look only at the sex, fun, thrill, romance and fantasy of an illicit affair.

My thinking on this subject extends also to the politicians who we place in office to represent our best interests. First, we never think about the adverse consequences of their actions on us and often elect people without thinking carefully about what they might do that affects us negatively. We elect the guy or gal who can best swoon us with their personality, their outright lies and promises they NEVER keep.

But the prize winners in the brain dead zone are those politicians, all of them, Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Some are nice people but all of them completely ignore the consequences of their actions. Instead they focus on some goal, like raising taxes to buy more votes. Or getting that pet project funded so the area they represent gets more jobs and then they get more votes so they can do it all over again. Or maybe allowing people to illegally cross our borders then reward them with special rights (also to get more votes.)

They spend our money like it was from Heaven and no one had to work for it. They never think of how that might affect us in the long run. But worse, sometimes the laws and programs they enact have worse results than the law or program itself. Take for example, Lyndon Johnson’s “Great Society.” Johnson and his welfare state mentality thought it would be a great idea to transfer wealth from those who contribute and try to reach the American dream and give it to those less fortunate. Now don’t get me wrong, I think we should help people who cannot help themselves but the social programs we’ve initiated over the years have had horrible long term consequences an no one stopped to think about it.

We’ve created an entire society of “give me” entitlement and in many cases, created an environment where some people find it more comfortable to live off the rest of us and make no effort to work or contribute back to society.

Adverse consequences, they will bite you in the ass every time and someone better start paying attention to them or we will all be living the equal and opposite reaction.

In a prior post I wrote about the betrayal of politicians to us, the constituancy. In that post I used “infidelity” in the context of their betrayal of their duties to us versus selfish and ideological goals.

Now, in light of the latest scandal involving a politician, a few words on their behavior in the context of adultery comes to mind. Of course we have numerous examples over the years of politicians on both sides of the aisle who have betrayed their spouses through adultery. What is interesting to me is the media reaction to their actions based on their party affiliation. I’ll leave it to you to figure out the difference. That is not my purpose here.

One thing that amuses me about the outcry and denounciations of these people is the hypocrisy of it all. No, not the adulterers hypocrisy but that of the denouncers. You can bet that at least 50% of the people denouncing these adulterous acts have themselves been adulterers or have somehow facilitated or aided and abetted an adulterer. That aid most often comes through what Peggy Vaughan, author of “The Monogamy Myth” (dearpeggy.com) has named the “code of secrecy.” The basic idea is that when most people know of a friend’s, co-worker’s or relative’s involvement in an illicit affair, there is a tendency to become a co-conspirator and keep it a secret. Often this is by omission, sometimes comission. Sometimes we even help them cover their tracks by backing up alibis.

Once the adultery becomes public knowledge though we change our tune. We cluck our tongue and decry their failure, dishonesty and all around lack of morality. Hypocrites?

Of course, we also know that half (more or less by expert estimates) of all men and women are involved in an affair sometime during the course of a marriage or committed relationship. So, by my estimation, half the population are active participants and some unknown number who are either willing or unwilling conspirators. That leaves a very paltry percentage of us who have the honest right to decry adultery; yet we do. Of course “reformed” adulterers who have sincerely accepted responsibility may also join the ranks of the honest critics. Interestingly enough, survey research indicates that though we have this high percentage of participants, almost everyone denounces adultery as wrong. There you have hypocrisy and duplicity of the highest order.

We tend to somehow be fascinated with the whole idea of adultery and the entertainment industry celebrates it and portrays it mostly in a very romantic light. And we watch it and revel in being the mouse on the wall who drools over the lust, secrecy and sexual excitement. Movies such as “The Bridges of Madison County” and TV shows such as “Desperate Housewives” romanticize and make adultery seem like the right thing to do if you need a little excitement in your life. And we watch. And then we call a politician who has a sexual tryst a hypocrite.

Just where lies the true hypocrisy?

Now let’s get to the issue of politicians’ adulterous or sexual detours compared to the rest of us. It seems that once someone is elected to a political office we begin to hold them to a higher standard. Of course there is good reason for that as we are dependent on them to look out for us and do the right thing for us. Yet, throughout history, we’ve seen time and again that far too many politicians can be dishonest, outright criminals and most of all, adulterers, just like everyone else. Why should anyone be surprised when one has a dalliance with some little staff chippie or seeks out sexual gratification in a men’s restroom? As one of my friends once said when Bill Clinton was under attack for his involvement with Monica Lewinski, “hey, what’s the big deal, he’s just a man.”

Indeed, he was and so too are senators Craig and Kennedy. Then there were Gary Condit, Bob Packwood, Henry Cisneros, Mark Foley, Franklin Roosevelt, John Kennedy; need I go on? Some of these people suffered greatly in public opinion and others were given a free pass. Regardless, given the rich history of politicians’ adultery, we should perhaps realize that they were “just men” and as such no different than those who cast the stones. People who have affairs don’t think of their position, their family, their political obligations or the consequences. They get so involved in the excitement and so drunk with the love potion of hormones that all that is temporarily set aside in the heat of the moments. No matter how much we might like to believe otherwise, they are really just people like you and I who have the same hangups, fears, desires and humain failings as the rest of us. And for those of you who decry their hypocrisy, I hope you are in that small group of squeeky clean and pure folks who are not hypocrites in their own behaviors.

I’m not making excuses for them, there is no excuse that can justify adultery. The deception behind it is terrible and the consequences horrific. lives are destroyed, careers ruined, families broken and emotional distress beyond understanding (unless you’ve been on the receiving end, then you understand all too well.) I just want to point out that they are human and that much of the hypocrisy that is bandied about is as much from the accusers as it is from the accused

I also want you to consider something else. Does a person’s involvement in an affair affect their job performance. That is, if a senator, or your boss at work is having an affair, how much does that affect their capacity to perform their job? When someone has an affair and we discover it, there is a tendency to then apply that failure to all aspects of the person’s life. Does Craig’s alleged desire for homosexual sex negate his years of performance as a senator? Does it mean he will now stop doing a good job because he has been discovered? Is that fair? Is it a truism? I really think it is neither.

What it can affect in a small way is how they deal with the person at work if it is a subordinate. In those cases, there is clearly favoritism but that does not necessarily mean they are incapable of managing their job. I’ve seen numerous examples of people who are able to compartmentize and keep separate their private life from their business and still do a good job. Franklin Roosevelt carried on a decades long affair yet managed to guide our nation through one of the most catastrophic world wars in history. Newt Gingrich was arguably one of the best Speakers of the House in history yet his affair was never an issue as far as his performance went. John Kennedy was rumoured to be one of the greatest presidential womanizers in recent history but managed to do more good for our country in less than one term than most presidents do in two. His brother, Teddy Kennedy (though I detest his arrogant and abrasive lack of courtesy or manners) managed to perform as a senator for decades despite his Chappaquiddick escapades and even slick Willie, Bill Clinton managed to get by as a president.

So, why are we so willing to want to run these people out on a rail, or tar and feather them for doing what it seems we ourselves do daily? Why should you vilify them while patting your neighbor on the back and helping him or her cover up adultery. Why would you cry for a resignation when maybe you yourself had an affair? Is it that you think your case is so special and different or is it something else like hypocrisy?

I’ll tell you what I think. I think as with almost everything these days, when it comes to politicians it boils down to ideology and your own party affiliation. Democrats defended Clinton during his affair with Monica and told us time and again “he’s just a man” or “it wasn’t sex.” But, stepping back from ideology, you must know in your heart that what he did was very wrong and a leadership failure. He took advantage of an employee which would get most of us fired in the business world. Now most democrats scream for resignations of Craig and others who’ve done the same. Republicans have behaved the same. Hypocrisy.

Each party makes excuses and tries their best to make the other party member’s failures “different” they’ll justify their ire based on small differences in the story. The latest rationalization for attacking Craig’s behavior is that he is a hypocrite. That is just laughable. Every single one of these people who have had affairs is a hypocrite. Is it somehow worse if someone is a Republican or a member of that horrifying “religious right” (shudder)? Many on the left have already used that tactic. It’s not that he did it but that he is a Christain and that makes him a hypocrite. Doesn’t that imply that Democrats have no religious or moral compass therefore bad behavior by them is not hypocritical? Please, give me a break! It just makes me laugh.

The bottom line is that public servants, just like all of us are human. They are subject to the same forces that drive the rest of us into adultery. Because they are politicians does not make them immune, nor does it mean that somehow they are unable to do good works. If that were the case, 50% of the population would be incompetant and unable to keep a job. Think about it.

 

 

I recently received an impassioned note from one of my readers (of my book, First Aid for the Betrayed) who was in the early agony of emotional distress from discovery of her husband’s affair. Like all of us she asked;

“How can a man(or woman)do this to someone they love? How to you do something like this and return home to face your wife and kids like nothing happened in your day? How do you live with that guilt? ”

You really do have to wonder how anyone with a soul or an ounce of care can be so callous. You also have to wonder (as she did in her note) how the marriage vows can seem to mean nothing to the married person who commits adultery.

It is almost incomprehensible to us but to some of them, caught up in the heat and exctement of lust it never crosses their mind. Most also think it won’t be an issue because they believe they will never get caught, they actually believe we’ll never find out so it is a case of “what they don’t know..etc.”. Of course they almost always do get caught.
There is a mental process they all seem to go through that helps them minimize guilt or avoid it entirely. The first part of that process is convincing themselves that they have been wronged by you and that because of that, they are justified. As I say in my book, they go to great lengths to rationalize their actions to eliminate any wrongdoing on their part. They convince themselves that; “You did not listen to me,” “You were too fat,” “you were uncaring,” “you did not give enough sex” and hundreds of other delusional excuses that we’ve all heard.

The most painful of these lies they tell themselves is when they say to us “I never really loved you” or “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” Come on people. These staements are simply laughable. You stood before God, family and friends and proclaimed your undying love. When courting and in the early years, you showed us all kinds of love. Now you tell me, which is the lie, then or now? The answer is now.

All of this is to convince themselves that they were entirely justified and that it was YOUR fault they did it, you made them do it! It is an unbelievable thought process but virtually every adulterer goes through that very same process.

Underneath all the denial and projection of guilt, I think that after a period, when the lust wears off they do carry a lot of guilt (unless they are simply mean and heartless) and Ultimately pay a personal price. Unfortunately there are few who make adultery a hobby and have no remorse. It reminds me of a serial killer who is driven to kill for their own gratification and continues with no remorse.

In fact, adulterers are a bit like criminals. They do it for various reasons and once caught, just like criminals they either become remorseful and change or just fall into a life of recidivism.

Why do they do it?  It is very complex and one of the most disturbing aspects of the consequences of an affair. It is a question those of us who’ve been betrayed always ask and few of us can ever fully comprehend. Worse yet, sometimes the adulterer themselves cannot answer the question as to why it happened. Some say ”it just did” and unfortunately, sometimes that is what happened and they themselves do not really understand their own actions.